We got a bunch of snow last night. It's funny, when I was driving down, there was no snow anywhere up north and then we hit Virginia - snow EVERYWHERE. Now it's here; like legitimate snow snow, not the five flakes we usually get. You know what this means... the apocalypse!

Runnin' from the cold up in New England

I am so ready to go home it's silly. I didn't realize it until about two hours ago - I'm tired. I've been busy and happy and busy lately, but man oh man I just want to go home for a bit. Among other things, it will be so fucking nice to not have to literally race to get my share of the groceries because I live with two boys and they consume food like monsters. (Seriously, last week Dan and I went shopping and Dan bought FOUR loaves of shitty cheapo bread, and I bought one loaf of nice bread; I came home one day thinking, "I would really like a sandwich," and Dan had eaten all of my bread because he ran out of his because he eats four-five sandwiches a day and OH DEAR GOD DON'T EAT MY FOOD.)

So yeah. Going home will be nice. Spending 15 hours in a car with a cat will be less nice, but Mr. President and I will deal.

The boy flew back to Colombia today and I miss him already because we're so disgustingly fucking cute like that. Hah.

Div III is exciting? When did that happen?!

4AM musings

Is there a way to move all of my backlogged posts into a new blog? The "tea and biscuits" thing isn't really relevant anymore, and it's bugging me. I want to start a new blog but I also want to have all my post-London posts in the same place. Help?

I found a lone half of an Adderall pill leftover from finals last semester hidden in my cosmetics bag. Now I'm still not really working, but I have been extremely diligent about returning overdue emails and organizing my desk. Whatevs, I never really needed to pass college anyway, right? Ugh.

I actually was fairly productive in Div-dom yesterday, though. I went to the library with the boy, and re-solidified the fact that watching other people work makes me work. I don't know whether it's just the right atmosphere or the fear of judgment from someone I respect (probably the latter) but it's effective.

I just submitted a picture of my roommate and Truman to http://cuteboyswithcats.tumblr.com/. Why? Because I am a big big nerd. I mean, awesome.

Why oh why must potato chips be so delicious and yet make me feel so gross? Shouldn't delicious equal good-feeling?

Also: holy balls, it's December already! When did that happen?

Also also: HOW do I have 1,480-something profile views? Who are you?!

Honey pie, you are makin' me crazy

The day after Thanksgiving means a) I get to eat breakfast at 1:30 PM; and b) it is totally acceptable for said breakfast to consist solely of apple pie.

I'm in Weymouth, MA with Dan's family for the break. It's nice. I do miss being with my family, though; as pleasant as dinner was here, I just keep comparing the way they do things to the way my family does things, and my family just does everything better. Is that awful?

Later today we are apparently hanging out with a friend of Dan's who he used to date and is likely to date in the future. It's weird. I know I said I'm over my thing for Dan, and I am, mostly, but there's still a part of me that is just determined to not like this girl. It doesn't help her case that she went out shopping at like 5 this morning for Black Friday, either. Sorry, but I immediately lose respect for people who participate in that mess. Whatevs. I'm sure she's a nice girl, but I'm just going to guess right now that we will never be besties.

I'm hoping we can go into Boston today. I haven't spent much time there at all, but I think I really like Boston. Perhaps I should investigate further. First I should have more pie.

Huh! HAH!

I just had a major brainfart and accidentally took two of my antidepressants, and now my head is all wonky. Whoops.

My stupid landlord has been MIA for over a month now, and we STILL don't have a working oven. Also, a bunch of the siding has fallen off the front of our house, and the pieces that are still hanging on flap in the wind right outside my window all night, making me constantly paranoid that the apocalypse is nigh.

I really like sitting in the living room and listening to Dan quietly arguing with Truman. Needless to say, Dan is losing the argument.

Colombian Boy and I actually had the "are we officially dating dating?" conversation, and decided that yes, we are. So, that's neat.

I want it to be Thursday now so I can go see Harry Potter. NOW. Also, by then I will be finished with the metric shit ton of work I have to do. Blergh.

Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves

Hampshire Halloween was pretty awesome. I went with 3 UMass dudes. That was amusing. I went home with Esteban, a very handsome Colombian fellow I met a few weeks ago. Go me! Somewhere in the middle there I danced a lot, drank a lot, and ran into the grossest of my gross modmates from second year, which was all sorts of awkward.

I think I'm done with the whole "I wanna bang my roommate" thing. He's awesome; but right now I'm actually pretty happy for the first time in several years, and my pleasant living situation has a lot to do with that. I don't want to fuck that up by fucking my roommate. (Though the series of drunk texts I got from him after he left Hampshire on Friday made it clear that it's still on his mind...) I really like having him as a friend, though, and for now I'm happy with that. I've got hot Colombians to deal with :)

I think the roomies and I may be stuck going trick or treating with the world's most irritating seven-year-old. Oh dear.

Ugh. Can't sleep at 4 AM an not pleased. also I think I might be sick. That might have to do with the not sleeping?

Anyway. Last night I kind of accidentally on purpose made out with one of my roommates. I don't really know what to do about that. I guess it would be fine if it were just a random drunken mistake, but I think I actually have feelings for him. FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK.

I just want to go to sleep, but I can't.

Sing me to sleep

Been awake all night. ALL night. I felt really tired when I went to bed, but I just lay there for hours. No good. I've never had insomnia that badly before; I gotta say, I'm not a fan.

I feel like I should update this more, but does anyone even still read it?

My house is making freaky noises. Ghosts and ghouls? Or the sketchy dude that lives downstairs? Maybe just my radiator? WoooOOOOooooo!

Dude. I keep having sex dreams about my roommate. Totes awk. My subconscious is so inappropriate. I mean, inappropes.

Almost there...!

I got a cute birthday card from the CR ladies. They keep saying things like, "don't celebrate too much!" and then cacckling like they made the funniest joke ever. It's silly.

Gotta go pinata shopping later.

And retire to sheets safe and clean

My parents just left. It was nice to have them here, I love having them here, but I am so relieved that they're gone.I need calm, just for a couple days, at least. I feel like I've just been doing doing doing for weeks now, and I'm tired. I just want time in my new place to rest and let myself feel like I live here. The apartment is starting to look like an actual home! It's nice. Still needs some improvements, but it's starting to get really comfy.

This cat is insane! Totes adorbs, though. He is just thrilled to have so many boxes lying around to play forts in.

There's still so much to do around the house, but I just want to lie on my bed foreverrrr. Or at least a few more hours.

Oh, heeey, new apartment, how you doin'?

I'm wrong about everything

FUCK. We didn't get the apartment. I was so sure we had it, this time. The landlords decided to go with tenants in a "better financial situation," i.e. not students. I honestly don't know what to do. Yes, I know that it would be easier to find a place if I loosened my criteria, looked outside of Northampton, etc. But the thing is, I have spent every semester that I've lived at Hampshire being fucking miserable in my living situation, and I am just not willing to compromise anymore. I'm not happy with my life academically anyway, but I thought if I moved off-campus, specifically to Northampton, if I were at least content demestically, I would be able to make it through the last two semesters. The fact is, though, that my disinterest with my schoolwork and with Hampshire in general is such that another year feeling like I have been just isn't worth it. I'm tired of settling. Just once, just fucking once I want things to go my way, and I don't care how petulant, immature or unrealistic that sounds.

I don't know what to do.

I have a therapy session this evening after work. The first time I went to therapy, second year, I was unsure, skeptical, scared; I feel really good about it this time. I know it won't fix everything, but it is such a relief just to have someone listen to me and validate my feelings.

I just want time to think. There's no fucking time anymore. I just want a time out. I wanna go home and think and snuggle with my kitty!

Gray is the color I see around her; she's just a blur.

I'm so tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of trying to pretend I am happy so I don't annoy everyone with how not happy I am. I'm tired of being tense, of feeling uncomfortable, of feeling dissatisfied and disappointed, with myself, with everything around me. I'm tired of apologizing for how I feel. I'm tired of being too sensitive, of doubting everything, of being too hard on myself. I'm tired of getting so frustrated that all I can think to do is write lame blog posts. I'm tired of being tired.

I'm trying. I'm making an effort to feel better. Shouldn't that be enough?

Why am I always the one left feeling like shit?

Why don't we do it in the road?

(Because asphalt is uncomfy!)

Man, I am so glad my name isn't Morvin Schmookler.

So, I think I'm going to quit drinking until my birthday. Granted, I will likely feel differently in a week or so, but I'm gonna try. Goals!

Lots of heat+no air conditioning=cranky, sweaty Lily.

I love love love this kitty! And my new computer. And bagels. But mostly this kitty!

And it will be clear if I wake up and you're still here

Other than me, there are only two people in the office today. I thought this job would be pretty decent, but I think it might slowly and silently kill me. Like mold. Or carbon monoxide. (Yes, I'm being dramatic. It's a literary device!) It's not just the perpetual lack of work, but the quotidian predictability. A daily routine for organizational purposes is one thing, but I just can't stand doing the same thing every day, having the same conversations, getting and giving the same answers to the same questions. The kids are fine, just like they were yesterday. The husbands are fine, too. Yes the oil spill is terrible. You had pasta for dinner? Oh, we love pasta. Are you looking forward to vacation? Oh, the Cape! We go every year too!

Every day!!!

I forget, being in my Hampshire bubble, that we really are pretty weird. This is what normal people are like. They work their office jobs, the name their cats Paws, they take talk incessantly about the weather. I'm sure they're all a little quirky, too, but it doesn't show in such a formulaic atmosphere, and like a true Hampshire kid I thrive off quirky.

I also thrive off food. Sammiches! (That was a smooth segue, no?)

In other news: I think this boy's a keeper. After fighting off my instinctual reaction of oh-dear-god-too-much-emotion, I have decided to just go with his unapologetic adoration of me. I wanted to say it was too much too fast, and to a lot of people it probably would be, but I think it'll be good for me to have someone who's so unreserved about his feelings. It's not some pathetic groveling worship, he just thinks I'm awesome, and he wants me to know that. It's nice.

Oh dear god, will I never stop sweating? Fucking summer.

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever

At least I think that's the song that's playing. It's hard to hear. Either way it's stuck in my head now.

Sitting in Haymarket, because I still can't connect to the wireless at the house. I don't mind though, it get's me out of the house, and when I'm home I have time to do other things like read and play with new Little Buddy. I love Little Buddy.

I'm sort of enjoying having the house to myself. I don't really feel like I've gotten any alone time recently, and I needed it. But still, ELLA COME HOME NOW!

Somehow a missed one big long stripe of hair on my leg. HOT.

Dear Kendra, I have been borrowing your earrings (thanks!). I'm also reading one of your books (Oliver Sacks). And Truman (new kitty) has been cuddling with your hippo. Just thought you should know.

ARIANE WILL BE HERE SOOOOON! Oh joy of joys! Then there will be much watching of Doctor Who and rejoicing. And going to Kathy's.

I've managed to find some sort of social engagement for tonight, which is good. I sometimes forget that left to my own devices I am really just a hermit. I like being alone, but I need to get out so I don't become a total crazy cat lady before I'm even 21. Now that I actually have the cat I am that much closer.


I need to go book shopping. Any suggestions?

Under my umbrella-ella-ella

I think the only thing I'll miss about this mod is India's penchant for bad pop music. No one has to know that I listen to it, but I can enjoy it in secret!

This whole packing thing didn't take nearly as long as I though. Turns out I really don't have that much stuff. Cool.

Now I am leisurely putting a few more things away while enjoying a cocktail and catching up on Doctor Who. Later a movie with The Smellz. And Friday I go home and see my kitties! (You know, and my family...)

Update: I can't even stand how hot the Doctor's new companion is. Like, woah.

Now I'm an amputee goddamn you

To do:

1. Revise/rewrite my paper
2. Be FINISHED WITH WORK!
3. Flirt with the hottie at Rao's
4. Get the creeper with the fanny pack to stop staring at me
5. Figure out why the hell there is SO MUCH cream cheese on this bagel. I mean, for real, this is ridiculous.
6. Have a drink or six.

Oh my god, some girl in here looks just like a rabbit.

Can't read my poker face

Thank god for Adderall... Not even Beryl's bitch-infused voice from the gallery is distracting me. Ha! (For real, though, what a bitch.)

BUT it is so humid I just might explode. Or melt, more likely. I want cold things, STAT.

I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to have learned (the hard way) a very interesting fact about antidepressants. Apparently, when you're a big moron and forget to bring your prescriptions when you go out of town, thus making you unable to take your medication for 2 days, the result is a complete emotional and mental breakdown. That's cool, right? (No, it is not.)

Well hey, brain. You sure act up real fast when your seratonin reuptake is no longer being inhibited... That or I am actually completely insane. But I kinda think it's the former.

I love how "seratonin" and "reuptake" are apparently not recognized in blogland as real words?

I want to hide right now. Or, I want to run back to Hampshire so I can take some drugs and curl up in my bed and maybe wake up slightly sane again. Also want this goddamn paper to write it's fucking self, because I'm certainly not getting it done at this rate.

I want a do-over of this weekend, please. Or maybe this whole week.

Except Flora's awesome and I love her tons, of course!

You will see my face as I figure how to kill what I cannot catch

Oh, Fiona Apple. I so thoroughly appreciate and revel in your anger and bitterness. Thank you.

I just got an email from Henry. Because dumping me once wasn't enough, he had to reiterate it in print. You know what? Fuck you. I have finals to worry about, doucheface.

Well fuck you, too

Henry dumped me. So there's that.

Dear Hampshire College,

Please invest in less squeaky beds/thicker walls. I'd like to get some sleep.

Regards,
Knows Too Much About Her Modmates' Sex Lives


Dear Guy With Whom I Drunkenly Hooked Up That One Time,

Stop facebooking me. It's not gonna happen. Give up.

Tepidly,
Neither Available nor Interested

You don't know me at all

I just had a very strange encounter. One of my modmates with whom I very rarely speak just knocked on my door and asked if we could talk. They then proceeded to tell me how they and "some of the other people in the mod" had been talking about how someone had apparently heard me saying "that's so gay" and other derogatory and offensive things. They wouldn't tell me who supposedly heard this, because it's "not fair to the other people" but that some of my queer modmates were really hurt and offended. So, someone claims to have heard me say something that I can swear on my life I've never said, something which, for good reason, could really hurt someone, and I don't even get to know who it is? You send a delegate to confront me about it? (The person who talked to me had never heard me say anything.) I can't even explain how I'm feeling right now. Confused definitely comes to mind, as "that's so gay" is not a phrase that has ever been employed in my vernacular; I'm also hurt that the people I live with have such a misconceived idea of who I am; and frankly, I'm fucking pissed that whoever "heard" me say these things doesn't have the balls to talk to me in person, and would instead discuss it with all of my housemates rather than the person in question.

I thought this housing situation was so much better than last year, and I certainly have been happier, but I am really not comfortable living with people who think of me this way, especially when they do so without confronting me. I've been fully aware since I moved in that they're all close and that I'm essentially the "outsider" if you will, but I never thought they were actually all sitting around having covert conversations about their problems with me.

Maybe I just need to live alone.

Maybe this shouldn't upset me so much. But it does.

I'm in the grip of a hurricane

So, I have a number of possibilities for places to live next year. As per usual, having too many options just makes me nervous. While I realize that things will, as they generally do, work out, I want them to work out my way, which is a markedly less common occurance.

BUT I may have found a ten dollar bike on Craigslist. I mean, I did find a ten dollar bike on Craigslist, but it's not certain that I'll get it yet. Or that it's even reliably functioning...

I need to start going to the gym again. I feel completely disgusting; I've always been really comfortable with my body, but lately I look in the mirror and just want to look away again. That's not ok. I can't be the stereotypical young female with body issues; that's NOT me. The fact that I'm even letting this bother me is severely distressing. Ugh, how did this happen?

Speaking of the gym, I should go now, but every cell in my body is yelling for me to take a nap. I wonder how this will be resolved?

Panic on the streets of London

So, I left London-town yesterday, and one missed flight, too many hours in the airport, FIVE wailing infants, and a smelly-drunk-belligerent-Bulgarian seatmate later, I have returned. Oh, and I'm now several hundred dollars in debt to my mother, who is probably now several hundred dollars in debt to her bank. Fun times!

The trip was fun though. And seeing Ariane was most excellent! Mostly, we just did a lot of walking and eating and drinking, and when Panzertort was in class I did some more walking and eating and drinking, because that is apparently all I do. It was nice to see my buddies from my last trip to Edinburgh, too, although perhaps not so nice for my liver. Oh well, that jerk can man up and get over it. Stupid organ. (Just kidding, liver, I appreciate everything you do. Keep it up!)

London was really exciting for me, if only because it's nice to know that at least one of my friends has seen all the places that were such a big part of my life for a brief period. Ariane and I went up to my old dorm and met up with a few of my old housemates. (It's Spring Break for them, too, so most of them had gone home.) We went out a little later, but it was some sketchy bar full of people who can only be described as British frat boys, and the live band playing was so bad it was painful. So, not really a good sample of London nightlife, but I had some fun nonetheless.

On Sunday, the weather was delightful so we meandered through Camden Market and then went to my old neighborhood cemetery (the one where Karl Marx is buried) and made friends with Karl's neglected neighboring tombstone.

The night Ariane left I went out to a bar with Michael. It was actually really nice, and I think it was a good idea. Before seeing him, I had technically moved on but things just still felt weird. I guess to use a relationship cliche, at the risk of sounding like a Sex and the City voice over, I felt like I needed closure. So now I basically have that. That's pretty much the gist of it.

Now I'm home and have a mountain of work to do, but I'm generally feeling good about the next few weeks or so. Woohoo positivity!

Rest in my arms, sleep in my bed

Edinburgh SOON. Wahoo!

I officially have a job for the summer. 35 hours a week at Central Records. OMG SO MUCH FILING. Still, it's a nice change from spending the summer peeling bananas for minimum wage.

Now I need a house. Or a very cozy cardboard box and a scenic bit of sidewalk.

Things I need to do before Thursday:
Find a ride/buy a ticket to NYC
Buy a train ticket out of London
Book a hostel IN London
Buy Ariane some canned pumpkin
Pack?
Find my passport
Get a haircut

Things I need to do now-ish:
RESEARCH RESEARCH OH GOD SO MUCH RESEARCH
Eat ice cream.

I think this is a manageable list.

I'm only sleeping

I am getting really, REALLY excited for Spring Break. So many good times will be had, and so many pints of Strongbow will be consumed, and so much Ariane will be seen! I mean... that sounds weird. Also, before I go I get to see Flora!

Today I got an email from my grandfather about his annual trip to NY in April; if I meet him there he's going to take me to TWO plays--I was only expecting one. Woohoo! Also, yet again, I'll see Flora! (Btw, Flora, are you free April 23rd and 24th?).

I am pretty generally pleased at the moment. Happy things are in my future. Happy things are in my now, as well. This is just an all-around happy post. I like those. The happiest thing of all? I have groceries!

Time out of mind must be heavenly

So, Joanna Morris has me almost completely convinced to stay at Hampshire and do a Div III. I guess sometimes advisors do advise.... Oy. My head just might explode, I've gone back and forth so many times. I just want something to be certain, for once. I just need to fucking make a decision.

Dear ridiculously expensive Kashi cereal,
You are not nearly as delicious as your price tag suggests. You let me down.
Thanks for nothing,
Me

I am so tired. My modmates and I are clearly on different sleep schedules, i.e. I like to sleep and they apparently don't.

I'm the boy that's gonna fall apart

I seem to be encountering very inconsiderate people lately. I also seem to be repeating my own mistakes. And thinking about both of these things seems to be severely hindering my ability to take a much-needed nap. Ugh.

I hate feeling like I've acted stupidly and naively, two qualities I try at all costs to avoid. I've been feeling stupid a lot this week.

Like like like like like a circus

Party in my mod last night. Fancy dresses and heels were worn, drinks were consumed in volume, strange boys' numbers were acquired. I of course spent the first 30 minutes in my room crying into my vodka, but, as it always does, said vodka eventually beat down that lame feelings-having fun-hater Lily and I proceeded to party my face off. Oh my god, so much booze. And so much hangover.

Chase you down until you love me

Oh hey, blog. Long time no see.

I decided I'm going to try to transfer to UMass for my last year. Working on my application now.

God, I love soup.

SOON I make my triumphant return to Hampshire! Guess what day? SATURDAY, Saaaturday, Saturday...!!!

If I ever get a chance, I really want to put a glass of red wine on one of those memory foam mattresses and jump around, just to see if it's true that it doesn't fall over. I bet I could make it fall over... yep.

Anyway, off to the gym then more packing. SATURDAY!

To the voice like a metronome

Guess what? I'M GOIN' BACK TO SCHOOL! Hampshire gave me me a larger grant (it took them long enough to get back me...), and now it would be even be cheaper to go to there than state school. So, while I can't honestly say I'm psyched for the whole school part, I am so excited to get back to everyone there. I miss the place, if not necessarily the institution.

I think, though, that this means I'm going to have to make some serious changes to my academic life. Obviously, something isn't working now. I'm afraid I need to change what I'm studying completely... Not that I'm no longer interested in psych, but I've concluded that I would be much more motivated if I were studying something, I don't know... practical? Useful? I mean, psychology's cool and all, but unless I want to BE a psychologist (which I don't) it's mostly just useful in a more abstract, general sense. Or on Jeopardy. So, who knows how this semester will go.

It feels so strange now to be saying that I'm going back. I knew there was a tiny, tiny chance that I'd go back with sufficient funds, but I never really expected that Hampshire would actually heed my request for more money. I had completely embraced the idea of not going back; I was all settled in for a long, boring stretch of time at home. With the new bill, though, it just seems foolish to pass this up. Even with the time off I always intended to finish school eventually, so I may as well finish according to schedule if I can, right? Right.

Now I just get to have what is sure to be a delightful chat with the housing office. There's no way I'm letting myself be put in a situation like last year; I know I won't be able to pick exactly whom I live with, but I at least want to have some choice. And if they have Rock Band in the house, I'm out.

Wahoo!

And if I face indecision don't let me face it alone

Just realized I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Not sure yet if I'm ok with that.

I'd swim across Lake Michigan

Sitting in the coffee shop, pretending to work. Really, I'm just thinking about going back to the UK; that's pretty much all I think about lately. Well, that and food, 'cause I'm Fatty.

I talked to Local Mike (aka pre-London Boy) about how he's an immature and inexperienced wimpy asshat, and once I got over my anger we actually had a decent conversation. It was really nice. He also asked if I might want to hang out some time; I'm definitely not going to start dating him again, but considering I no longer have any friends in Charlotte, it might be nice to have someone talk to.

I really wish the man with the small annoying child had picked a table other than the one a foot away from mine. I also wish he hadn't bought his already hyper kid an enormous sugary drink, causing the irritation factor to skyrocket.

Now I gotta get on this essay-writing shit. Dear Lily, these are the last essays you'll write for Christ only knows how long, suck it up and work. Forcefully, Lily.